How to brew beer

put three gallons of cold water into a large cooking pot.

add two teaspoons of gypsum. this is optional but it will soften the water. make this beer go down smooth.

pull out your sack of cracked grains. you can get this for your local brew craft store. also grab your cheese cloth.

empty your grains into said cheese cloth. do NOT swing this around the room however tempting that might be. have some self control.

submerge this sack in the water and turn on the burners.

with the burners on and the lid OFF bring this pot to about 150 degrees or until you see steam begin to rise off the water. and listen to judas priest while you wait.

once you get to 150 degrees, turn the burner OFF. cover your pot with your wife's favorite bath towel. Leave the cheese cloth inside! let this sit for 40 minutes.

after the 40 minutes of soaking. dip that little grain bag in and out of the water about 8 times. this will get the flavors and grain solution out into the water. throw the cheese cloth out.

This is your wort. Turn the burner back on and bring this solution close to boiling. you will be able to hear the water start to boil. DON'T boil the solution baby boy!

once your wort is close to a boil, turn the heat OFF again. pour in your 5.5 pounds of malt extract. this is a lot of sticky sugar. get it all over you in the process. have fun. destroy the kitchen.

bring this new malted wort to a boil. it's going to get hot in your kitchen. your gonna sweat. call me if you can't handle it. now once you get the boiling bubbles. add your first addition of hops.

you will be adding hops over the course of about 45 to 60 minutes depending on your beer recipe. each addition of hops goes in about every 15 minutes. the first ones are for flavor. the last for aroma

now you need to gather your ice. winter is coming. I make my ice the day before in a giant plastic bowl because I don't like to pay for frozen water. if you want to be really epic you can use snow.

now you need to take your boiled beer and remove it from the heat and put it in an ice bath. I fill up my shower and dump my ice in because I went to clown school. let the beer cool for 45 minutes

now fill your sanitized primary fermenter with 2.5 gallons of cold water. dump 1/3 of your cooled beer in and add your yeast. then pour the rest on top. DO NOT stir it. Yeast does not need your help.

cap the primary and put in your air lock and rubber stop. put it in your wives closet with her clothes for about 6 days. then we switch this beast over to the secondary. more on that in another guide